Friday, April 20, 2012

Confession #23: College should have had different courses.

Many of you know that Fridays at my house are a serious homage to college days.  I sit back and think about life almost 18 years ago, and I think about how glorious it was.  Despite the fact that I had to struggle to stay awake in many of my classes due to sheer boredom, and the ridiculousness of others, college was amazing.

However, if I were to rewrite the college courses they offer, that would actually become applicable when you're a parent, I would love to do so.  The so-called "School of Life" line-up is now here for you to see:

1.  Meteorology would be replaced with "Look out the Damned Window."  This would teach parents and children alike how to look out the window before dressing for the day, as well as taking into account the day's forecast per the news or internet.  Children will learn how to accept Mommy's "weather truths" and dress accordingly with no arguing.

2.  Ed Psych would be replaced with "How to Not Lose Your Mind While Out in Public with your Child."  Strategies for diversion will be taught to parents so they can keep children quasi-entertained, at minimal cost, for extended periods of time, while still accomplishing the task at hand.  Patience mantras will be taught as well, helping parents to focus on silent, evil looks and muttering threats so others can't hear them.

3.  Diversity Studies would be replaced with "Some Kids are Little Shits.....and they always want to be friends with your kids."  This course will teach parents how to cope with the little shit in your child's class, on the block, or in the play group.  You will walk away with several strategies to put fear into the heart of this little shit that you'll ruin his life if he messes with your kid again.

4.  Philosophy would be replaced with "How to Answer Insane Questions without Provoking More Insane Questions."  Children are blessed with the ability ask unique questions.  On the other hand, you can oftentimes find yourself in an argument about some hypothetical situation that could never occur, which then leads to other, more useless conversations or arguments.

5.  Western Civ would be replaced with "Basic History You Never Learned in School."  Let's face it, your kid is going to know more about the world than you ever did.  With the internet and increasing school standards and demands, kids these days have more knowledge about historical events than their parents.  Learn the basics so you don't sound like an idiot when your kid asks you who fought in WWII.  Answer, with confidence, what McCarthyism truly was.  You'll be thankful you learned this.

That's just a random sampling of things I wish I'd studied in college that would have helped me as a parent.  Look for more courses to be added as creativity strikes.  (Such as "Faking Interested Looks When Viewing 1,000 sheets of colored papers at the end of every day of Kindergarten.....)

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