Many of you know that Fridays at my house are a serious homage to college days. I sit back and think about life almost 18 years ago, and I think about how glorious it was. Despite the fact that I had to struggle to stay awake in many of my classes due to sheer boredom, and the ridiculousness of others, college was amazing.
However, if I were to rewrite the college courses they offer, that would actually become applicable when you're a parent, I would love to do so. The so-called "School of Life" line-up is now here for you to see:
1. Meteorology would be replaced with "Look out the Damned Window." This would teach parents and children alike how to look out the window before dressing for the day, as well as taking into account the day's forecast per the news or internet. Children will learn how to accept Mommy's "weather truths" and dress accordingly with no arguing.
2. Ed Psych would be replaced with "How to Not Lose Your Mind While Out in Public with your Child." Strategies for diversion will be taught to parents so they can keep children quasi-entertained, at minimal cost, for extended periods of time, while still accomplishing the task at hand. Patience mantras will be taught as well, helping parents to focus on silent, evil looks and muttering threats so others can't hear them.
3. Diversity Studies would be replaced with "Some Kids are Little Shits.....and they always want to be friends with your kids." This course will teach parents how to cope with the little shit in your child's class, on the block, or in the play group. You will walk away with several strategies to put fear into the heart of this little shit that you'll ruin his life if he messes with your kid again.
4. Philosophy would be replaced with "How to Answer Insane Questions without Provoking More Insane Questions." Children are blessed with the ability ask unique questions. On the other hand, you can oftentimes find yourself in an argument about some hypothetical situation that could never occur, which then leads to other, more useless conversations or arguments.
5. Western Civ would be replaced with "Basic History You Never Learned in School." Let's face it, your kid is going to know more about the world than you ever did. With the internet and increasing school standards and demands, kids these days have more knowledge about historical events than their parents. Learn the basics so you don't sound like an idiot when your kid asks you who fought in WWII. Answer, with confidence, what McCarthyism truly was. You'll be thankful you learned this.
That's just a random sampling of things I wish I'd studied in college that would have helped me as a parent. Look for more courses to be added as creativity strikes. (Such as "Faking Interested Looks When Viewing 1,000 sheets of colored papers at the end of every day of Kindergarten.....)
Friday, April 20, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Confession #22: It's a small, small world.....
Okay, here's an entry with a fair amount of solemnity. I apologize in advance, but it's a confession that needs to be made on behalf of all the stay-at-home trophy wives out there.
My life at home is very small. I deal with small clothes, small toys, small forks, small bites of food, and small little hands and feet. All day long.....small. It's adorable, breathtaking, and endearing all at once.
In a whole other way, my life at home is very small. Most days, there is just me and one other little person in my house. This child doesn't even talk. Some days, it's me, a non-verbal little person, and a unique almost-four-year-old who is learning a lot about life and who he is. Ultimately, though, think about how few people I interact with on a daily basis. That number is very, very small.
For those of you who think staying at home is the easy way out, you're wrong. So very wrong.....
It requires a lot of work in order for me to expand my world from the daily norm: preparing food (at least three times a day), cleaning up from food preparation, washing used dishes, doing laundry, wiping runny noses, signing folders, picking up toys invisible to the child's eye, changing interesting diapers, paying bills, buying necessities for our family members to be clean, clothed, and constantly fed.
In order to feel like an adult who matters in this world, not only to my children, but to others, I have to work hard. I annoy working friends with e-mails. I send text messages to people I think might check their phones while they're at work or at home. I play Scrabble on my phone and Words with Friends on my computer/phone. I call my mom and talk to her for an hour because it's very lonely when you're at home, no matter how damn sweet those little munchkins are. I check Facebook....a lot. I pin things on Pinterest....a lot. I make sweet treats for friends just so I have an excuse to leave the house and see them. I go to Jazzercise and exercise and dance poorly with woman who like to chat and affirm that there is still a sense of humor in this lady. I make crafty things so I can justify my desire to leave the house, buy supplies, and then explore my creativity. And when someone wants one of my creations, I feel a huge thrill and rush of success!
Those are all ways I desperately try to expand my world.....because, to be honest, my small world is nice and perfectly adequate and all I dreamed it would be. I don't regret a single decision I have made. If anything, this is just a plea to my friends and family who don't understand what it is like to "just" stay at home. Consider this a small plea to understand and tolerate me when I need to make my world just a bit bigger and brighter.
And if you ever sing the song "It's a Small World After All" from Disney Land, I will punch you as hard as I can.
MWAH!
My life at home is very small. I deal with small clothes, small toys, small forks, small bites of food, and small little hands and feet. All day long.....small. It's adorable, breathtaking, and endearing all at once.
In a whole other way, my life at home is very small. Most days, there is just me and one other little person in my house. This child doesn't even talk. Some days, it's me, a non-verbal little person, and a unique almost-four-year-old who is learning a lot about life and who he is. Ultimately, though, think about how few people I interact with on a daily basis. That number is very, very small.
For those of you who think staying at home is the easy way out, you're wrong. So very wrong.....
It requires a lot of work in order for me to expand my world from the daily norm: preparing food (at least three times a day), cleaning up from food preparation, washing used dishes, doing laundry, wiping runny noses, signing folders, picking up toys invisible to the child's eye, changing interesting diapers, paying bills, buying necessities for our family members to be clean, clothed, and constantly fed.
In order to feel like an adult who matters in this world, not only to my children, but to others, I have to work hard. I annoy working friends with e-mails. I send text messages to people I think might check their phones while they're at work or at home. I play Scrabble on my phone and Words with Friends on my computer/phone. I call my mom and talk to her for an hour because it's very lonely when you're at home, no matter how damn sweet those little munchkins are. I check Facebook....a lot. I pin things on Pinterest....a lot. I make sweet treats for friends just so I have an excuse to leave the house and see them. I go to Jazzercise and exercise and dance poorly with woman who like to chat and affirm that there is still a sense of humor in this lady. I make crafty things so I can justify my desire to leave the house, buy supplies, and then explore my creativity. And when someone wants one of my creations, I feel a huge thrill and rush of success!
Those are all ways I desperately try to expand my world.....because, to be honest, my small world is nice and perfectly adequate and all I dreamed it would be. I don't regret a single decision I have made. If anything, this is just a plea to my friends and family who don't understand what it is like to "just" stay at home. Consider this a small plea to understand and tolerate me when I need to make my world just a bit bigger and brighter.
And if you ever sing the song "It's a Small World After All" from Disney Land, I will punch you as hard as I can.
MWAH!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Confession #21: I play games.
I love playing games. I love children. I despise playing games with children.
By nature, I am a competitive person. No one who knows me well will argue with this statement. When it comes to playing, I want to win. That is my objective. Mix this with competition with a child, and tears will naturally ensue.
When my daughter asks me to sit down and play Go Fish, I am more than happy to drop everything to do so. Halfway through the game, I realize this is a big mistake. I'm out for blood, and she's my victim. She yells at me that I'm changing the rules just so I can win. Unfortunately, I can't turn it off. I tell myself that not letting her win is teaching her a life lesson. It is, isn't it?
Candyland? Tears.
Old Maid? Tears.
Guess Who? Tears.
Chutes and Ladders? Tears.
Crazy Eights? Tears.
Perfection? Tears.
Connect Four? Tears.
As Christmas approaches, I realize that there are some hidden opportunities to cry beneath that wrapping paper. I'm only hoping that one of those games is one where she is better than I am. I'm tired of wiping the tears when I beat her over and over again.
Ahhh.....I think I have finally remembered the one game she shall win: Memory. After three kids, I have none. I see some success in her future. I have a feeling that her tears will turn into sunshine, and for this, my competitive nature will subside.....just this once.
By nature, I am a competitive person. No one who knows me well will argue with this statement. When it comes to playing, I want to win. That is my objective. Mix this with competition with a child, and tears will naturally ensue.
When my daughter asks me to sit down and play Go Fish, I am more than happy to drop everything to do so. Halfway through the game, I realize this is a big mistake. I'm out for blood, and she's my victim. She yells at me that I'm changing the rules just so I can win. Unfortunately, I can't turn it off. I tell myself that not letting her win is teaching her a life lesson. It is, isn't it?
Candyland? Tears.
Old Maid? Tears.
Guess Who? Tears.
Chutes and Ladders? Tears.
Crazy Eights? Tears.
Perfection? Tears.
Connect Four? Tears.
As Christmas approaches, I realize that there are some hidden opportunities to cry beneath that wrapping paper. I'm only hoping that one of those games is one where she is better than I am. I'm tired of wiping the tears when I beat her over and over again.
Ahhh.....I think I have finally remembered the one game she shall win: Memory. After three kids, I have none. I see some success in her future. I have a feeling that her tears will turn into sunshine, and for this, my competitive nature will subside.....just this once.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Confession #20: I never said I was a good mom.
This weekend I was given a gift. A really nice, extravagant, over-the-top gift. My children were all out of my home from 1:45 p.m. on Friday until 1:05 p.m. on Sunday. Do the math, count the days, the hours, the minutes. I was child-free for that much time. Blissful is the way to describe those moments.....that amazing gift I was given.
In the middle of all my celebrating and whooping it up, I had a conversation with another mom. I made mention that I had been childless for a day already. I said, "I think this might be the first time Michael and I have been in our own home without all three of our children.....ever." I continued to speak, uttering these words, "And I felt....."
At that time, my co-conversationalist interrupted me with one word, "Lost?" My heart sank.....no, I did not feel lost without them. I felt happy. I felt relaxed. I felt free.
I struggled to continue the conversation because I felt like such an ass for not missing my kids. I lied and said, "Yeah, it's like I don't know what to do with myself." However, I did know what to do with myself the entire time they were gone.
1. Showered -- uninterrupted
2. Put on make-up from start to finish -- uninterrupted
3. Sat on my couch and watched football -- just because I could
4. Ate some chips -- without sharing with anyone
5. Used my small purse -- the one that doesn't have bottles, formula, diapers, and wipes
6. Listened to my iPod -- the songs I wanted to hear
7. Drank a pop -- without having to fill up sippy cups of sugar-free Kool-aid for anyone else
8. Talked to my husband -- like a real conversation and everything
9. Left bubble wrap on the floor -- just because I could
10. Slept in -- twice
As I look at my list of things I did in my own home, none of them are grand gestures of freedom, yet every parent knows how liberating it is to be in charge of only yourself. I didn't organize, clean, or launder anything. This weekend was about me. Not about me getting stuff done. And, damn it, it was amazing.
That brings me back to my original confession: I never said I was a good mom. However, when those little ones returned home, I was ready to take back the role of mother, and boy, did it feel good.
In the middle of all my celebrating and whooping it up, I had a conversation with another mom. I made mention that I had been childless for a day already. I said, "I think this might be the first time Michael and I have been in our own home without all three of our children.....ever." I continued to speak, uttering these words, "And I felt....."
At that time, my co-conversationalist interrupted me with one word, "Lost?" My heart sank.....no, I did not feel lost without them. I felt happy. I felt relaxed. I felt free.
I struggled to continue the conversation because I felt like such an ass for not missing my kids. I lied and said, "Yeah, it's like I don't know what to do with myself." However, I did know what to do with myself the entire time they were gone.
1. Showered -- uninterrupted
2. Put on make-up from start to finish -- uninterrupted
3. Sat on my couch and watched football -- just because I could
4. Ate some chips -- without sharing with anyone
5. Used my small purse -- the one that doesn't have bottles, formula, diapers, and wipes
6. Listened to my iPod -- the songs I wanted to hear
7. Drank a pop -- without having to fill up sippy cups of sugar-free Kool-aid for anyone else
8. Talked to my husband -- like a real conversation and everything
9. Left bubble wrap on the floor -- just because I could
10. Slept in -- twice
As I look at my list of things I did in my own home, none of them are grand gestures of freedom, yet every parent knows how liberating it is to be in charge of only yourself. I didn't organize, clean, or launder anything. This weekend was about me. Not about me getting stuff done. And, damn it, it was amazing.
That brings me back to my original confession: I never said I was a good mom. However, when those little ones returned home, I was ready to take back the role of mother, and boy, did it feel good.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Confession #19: I didn't go to McDonald's.
How many days in the week? Seven.
How many meals in a day? Three.
Quick math problem: 7 x 3 = 21.
Then, when you take 21 x 52, that equals 1,092.
Add in miscellaneous snacks, drinks, bottles, baby feedings, etc., and that's a lot of shopping for, preparing, serving, and cleaning up after kids when you're at Stay-at-Home Trophy Wife.
I realize that it's all part of this glorious job that I have, but 1,092 feedings for children who don't strive to eat balanced meals is a hell of a lot of cooking....not to mention the complaining from wee ones when something green hits their plates.
So sue me if I take them to McDonald's and listen to them gleefully cheer at their new Smurfs that came in their Happy Meals. Sue me that sometimes I want an easy afternoon of making lunch. Sue me. I don't care. Well, I guess I do kind of care....I hate feeling like a slacker that I couldn't even throw an Uncrustable on a plate and call out, "Lunch is SERVED!"
It's my little secret....at least it used to be. Once those little boogers became old enough to rat me out to my husband, it became a game of hiding cups and saying, "I didn't go to McDonald's."
Do you know what's even worse than trying to hide a quick lunch in the drive thru from my husband? Telling your former student who works in the drive thru and recognizes you every...single....time...., "We really don't come here that often. We just came for the Smurfs. Honestly." Even I didn't believe myself on that one.
However, I have figured out that McDonald's calls them Happy Meals for some reason....because this mom drives away with lunch made and satisfied kids....and that makes her happy. Oh-so-happy....and that's one less meal I'm making this week.
How many meals in a day? Three.
Quick math problem: 7 x 3 = 21.
Then, when you take 21 x 52, that equals 1,092.
Add in miscellaneous snacks, drinks, bottles, baby feedings, etc., and that's a lot of shopping for, preparing, serving, and cleaning up after kids when you're at Stay-at-Home Trophy Wife.
I realize that it's all part of this glorious job that I have, but 1,092 feedings for children who don't strive to eat balanced meals is a hell of a lot of cooking....not to mention the complaining from wee ones when something green hits their plates.
So sue me if I take them to McDonald's and listen to them gleefully cheer at their new Smurfs that came in their Happy Meals. Sue me that sometimes I want an easy afternoon of making lunch. Sue me. I don't care. Well, I guess I do kind of care....I hate feeling like a slacker that I couldn't even throw an Uncrustable on a plate and call out, "Lunch is SERVED!"
It's my little secret....at least it used to be. Once those little boogers became old enough to rat me out to my husband, it became a game of hiding cups and saying, "I didn't go to McDonald's."
Do you know what's even worse than trying to hide a quick lunch in the drive thru from my husband? Telling your former student who works in the drive thru and recognizes you every...single....time...., "We really don't come here that often. We just came for the Smurfs. Honestly." Even I didn't believe myself on that one.
However, I have figured out that McDonald's calls them Happy Meals for some reason....because this mom drives away with lunch made and satisfied kids....and that makes her happy. Oh-so-happy....and that's one less meal I'm making this week.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Confession #18: Life is a vacation, and I'm the help.
I'm sure every mom feels overwhelmed by day-to-day tasks every now and again. I'm no different. My kids aren't more challenging (at least I hope mine are quasi-normal). However, I had a revelation the other morning as I was getting ready. Travel along this journey with me.
You know how when you go on vacation, you sort of act like standard rules don't apply? You stay in a hotel room, and though you always make your bed at home, you leave these sheets in an utter mess. You always hang up your towel when you're done with it at home, but in a hotel, you leave your towels -- six to be exact -- in a wet mess on the bathroom floor.
You have all your meals made for you, and you always get to pick what you want. If you don't like it, you can always send it back. On vacation, you eat dessert more than you would if you were just at home....it's an extra little splurge, and it feels good.
You have no household responsibilities when you're on vacation. There's nothing to clean, wipe, dust, vacuum, tidy, mow, or launder. You're pulled away from all of those tasks to live blissfully unaware that such tasks even exist in this world!
While on vacation, you seek to be constantly entertained. Whether it's movies, swimming, drinks at a bar, golf, people-watching, sunning yourself, you find yourself being entertained and happy....oh-so-happy.
Doesn't that sound nice? Isn't that why people go on vacation in the first place?
Welcome to the life of a child. It's just one huge vacation. How kids feel as though they have anything to complain about is beyond me.
Child 1: "WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO PUT MY SHOES IN THE PANTRY??? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?"
Mommy: "Because it's the only damn thing I've asked you to do all day while I've been conquering my mile-long to-do list before leaving the state for 10 days while also managing three kids and all their needs/wants/insane requests. I would think that putting your shoes away would be the least you could do to contribute to this household."
Child 2: "You're mean, Mommy."
The life of a child is a vacation, and you can call me Consuela.
You know how when you go on vacation, you sort of act like standard rules don't apply? You stay in a hotel room, and though you always make your bed at home, you leave these sheets in an utter mess. You always hang up your towel when you're done with it at home, but in a hotel, you leave your towels -- six to be exact -- in a wet mess on the bathroom floor.
You have all your meals made for you, and you always get to pick what you want. If you don't like it, you can always send it back. On vacation, you eat dessert more than you would if you were just at home....it's an extra little splurge, and it feels good.
You have no household responsibilities when you're on vacation. There's nothing to clean, wipe, dust, vacuum, tidy, mow, or launder. You're pulled away from all of those tasks to live blissfully unaware that such tasks even exist in this world!
While on vacation, you seek to be constantly entertained. Whether it's movies, swimming, drinks at a bar, golf, people-watching, sunning yourself, you find yourself being entertained and happy....oh-so-happy.
Doesn't that sound nice? Isn't that why people go on vacation in the first place?
Welcome to the life of a child. It's just one huge vacation. How kids feel as though they have anything to complain about is beyond me.
Child 1: "WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO PUT MY SHOES IN THE PANTRY??? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?"
Mommy: "Because it's the only damn thing I've asked you to do all day while I've been conquering my mile-long to-do list before leaving the state for 10 days while also managing three kids and all their needs/wants/insane requests. I would think that putting your shoes away would be the least you could do to contribute to this household."
Child 2: "You're mean, Mommy."
The life of a child is a vacation, and you can call me Consuela.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Confession #17: I run late.
This confession is short and not-so-sweet. Now that I have children, I run late. It's not ever because of the children that I'm running late, it's because of the children that I run late. This might not make sense yet, so read on.
My personal sense of timing is impeccable. I know exactly when to get in the shower in order to be ready by 6:15. I know that I need to be in the car by 10:38 in order to get to the doctor's office by 10:50. I know this. I can do this. However......
I have now realized if I get any place a little too early, I must be the sole entertainer for three children. That's a tough job some days. I would rather walk in late somewhere, possibly causing others to be frustrated, than to have to put on a dog-and-pony show for my Trio of Fun (as I affectionately call them) while we wait for Activity XYZ to begin.
If you're the type that is okay with wrangling the herd while you wait, wait, wait, then good for you. I'll be at home, making another cup of coffee in my Keurig. I'll see you when I get there.
My personal sense of timing is impeccable. I know exactly when to get in the shower in order to be ready by 6:15. I know that I need to be in the car by 10:38 in order to get to the doctor's office by 10:50. I know this. I can do this. However......
I have now realized if I get any place a little too early, I must be the sole entertainer for three children. That's a tough job some days. I would rather walk in late somewhere, possibly causing others to be frustrated, than to have to put on a dog-and-pony show for my Trio of Fun (as I affectionately call them) while we wait for Activity XYZ to begin.
If you're the type that is okay with wrangling the herd while you wait, wait, wait, then good for you. I'll be at home, making another cup of coffee in my Keurig. I'll see you when I get there.
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